Top 10 Most HATED Appliances: leaf blowers, poker machines and more!

April 11th, 2013

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Don’t get us wrong. The vast majority of appliances are awesome. Appliances Online only sells awesome appliances.

But some out there are really annoying or otherwise completely EVIL. And yet they still exist, frequently in vast numbers. Here’s our list of the most awful appliances, starting with the most heinous of ’em all:

1. Leaf Blowers

Patented by Beelzebub, these are offensive, useless and (somehow) endemic. Beloved by council workers and the chronically tidy, the stupid bellowing of these monsters that will rent the air on any given morning at about 8am seems to be some kind of urban ritual. Totally and UNBELIEVABLY annoying.

It’s not just that all that racket is the product of something so pointless – it’s that a machine so noisily inefficient is obviously chewing through the gas like a Hummer SUV. If you want to rearrange your leaves before the wind scatters them everywhere again, grab a broom. Better yet, use one to smash your leaf blower!

2. Poker Machines

When it comes to money, these things have the suction power of a Dyson. Not only do they ruin lives, the strident swirls of bleeping emanating from the gaming room is enough to put us off our pub Schnitzel. Blow ‘em up and drag ‘em all away, we say.

3. Red-light cameras

A necessary evil, of course.  Because they act as a deterrent against people going through red lights and stuff. But it’s difficult to remember that salient detail when you pick up the subliminal flash half-way through the intersection.

4. Ticket (Vending) Machines

Of the kind used by public transport agencies (notably that of Sydney’s). Sitting there smugly, waiting for the unwary to attempt to dare use them. Look at this one … it’s like staring into the face of pure evil:

Painfully, slow, cumbersome, confusing and contrary. Just ask the mystified tourist at the head of a long queue of disgruntled commuters … the latter watching their last chance to get to work on time glide into the platform.

Ticket machines are principally designed to dispense vast amounts of change in exchange for $50 notes and refuse money if it is a little bit wrinkly. So you’re angry, late and weighed down by a wallet full of shrapnel? We’ll assume there’s a ticket machine with the imprint of your boot in its side somewhere.

5. Rectal thermometers

One of the more disconcerting ways to take a temperature reading. Although we haven’t any stats to back it up, we’d say most of the populace would resent any encounter with one of these things.  We wouldn’t say anything as crass as “it’s a pain in the backside”, but – whatever – it’s true.

See example at right (the object that isn’t Hugh Laurie).

6. Dentist’s Drill

A legendarily fearsome device, it has well and truly secured its place in our collective nightmares. This primal fear was notably tapped by the film “Marathon Man”  when Laurence Olivier’s Nazi used one to torture Dustin Hoffman (minus anaesthetic).  In fairness, modern dental practice has taken a lot of the pain from an encounter with one of these things. Until, of course, you get the bill.

7. Subwoofers (that are owned by other people in badly built apartment blocks)

The exception to our rule – okay we do sell subwoofers. And true, subwoofers – in the right hands – can deliver some thumping bass. Thereby ensuring your home theatre experience is a pulsing and immersive one.

But they can also keep you awake at 3am. When they’re being used by someone else.

This is particularly apparent in poorly built urban apartment buildings where people who do this seem to congregate. Not lulled to sleep by the rapid-fire thump of Norwegian Black-Metal from upstairs? Well, look on the bright-side, it covers up the sound of the rapid-fire thump coming from that couple patching things up downstairs.

8. Phones

There was originally something about phones which was supposed to be convenient … they keep you in contact with the ones you love and stuff, uh, or something.

It doesn’t matter anymore – these things just seem to be on hand to annoy you. They spread a lot of bad news about. They go off invariably when you’re in the shower. They’ve introduced the phenomenon of telemarketers into our lives. Oh and the thing about ring-tones is that no matter how cute you might think that one you picked from your phone settings is – everyone else finds it COMPLETELY annoying. Shut-UP!

9. Alarm Clocks

Another one to file under “necessary evil”. Okay, so there are sometimes reasons to get up in the morning.

But the sound of these things will always pluck us from slumber and desposit us in the real-world feeling about as calm and reasonable as Genghis Khan. Equally contemptible for the way they keep TELLING YOU TO GET UP no matter how many times you bash the snooze button.

10. Things that bleep a lot

This is obviously a fairly broad area of annoyance. The subject area is huge and multi-faceted. In this case we’ll narrow our focus to those bleeping appliances which insist on hectoring you with things they need you to do. Your washing is finished, the fridge door is opened, the fire alarms need new batteries. Whatever. We left home to get away from obnoxious commands to do stuff!

All you bleeping things – just chill out, we say.

Well, that’s your lot – our top 10 most hated appliances. Let us know if there are any you think we’ve missed. In the meantime, we’ll get back to throwing eggs at that dude warming up his leaf-blower next door.

Richie is a Sydney based writer with sophistication, flair and hair. Aside from blogging and writing for Appliances Online and Big Brown Box, he is also a new playwright who had his first play, ‘The Local’ performed last year at the Sydney Fringe Festival. He is also the wicketkeeper for the Gladstone Hotel Cricket Club and his favourite appliance is any 3D Blu-ray Home Theatre System that can be delivered to his house free-of-charge in the near future. He was the lead singer of Van Halen in 2002. Google+

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