How to ruin coffee
March 26th, 2012
“The secret to happiness is coffee!” once said my father, after an unsuccessful detox attempt.
Having put up for two weeks with an irate, red-eyed, short-tempered monster inhabiting the body of the person I once knew as dad, I couldn’t have agreed more.
….And since I haven’t had my morning coffee yet, I can’t think of a very good way to segue from this amusing anecdote into an article about how to ruin coffee. So, um, here is some stuff… I, like, wrote:
1. Burn the milk
The ideal temperature for steamed milk (for cappuccinos and lattes) is between 60°C and 70°C. Higher than 70°C and it can burn your tongue, higher than 80°C and it becomes ‘burnt’.
Burnt milk has an unpleasant ‘cooked’ taste, and a slight almond smell.
Scalding the milk also affects the texture. Ever had a cappuccino with boiling hot watery milk at the bottom of the cup, but a mountain of stiff foam (resembling bubble bath) on top? This, my friends, is what’s known as a bad coffee. To avoid this, buy a milk thermometer, and keep your eye on it. Make sure you shut the steam off when it hits 60°C as there is always a slight delay between the reading on the thermometer and the actual temperature of the milk.
If you don’t have a milk therm
ometer, simply hold your hand on the side of the jug while steaming. Once it becomes too hot to touch, turn off the steam.
“But what if I like hot coffee?”
There are ways to achieve a piping hot coffee without burning the milk. One is to fill the cup with boiling water prior to making the coffee. Then make sure you do everything as quickly as possible, and heat the milk last so it’s not sitting there going cold before pouring.
2. Over-extract the espresso
Look, we’ll save you the stupid scientific jargon. Put simply, when extracting a shot of espresso, this is what you want:
* The time it should take to pour a shot of espresso is around 18 to 25 seconds.
* Look at the colour of the coffee as it pours. At first it should be dark, and after a few seconds it should go a nice deep golden colour which should lighten out a bit towards the end.
Over-extracted coffee tends to be overly bitter. You also run the risk of burning the coffee grinds, and creating a coffee so insanely caffeinated it’ll make you see through time.
“But I like long blacks.”
So pour yourself a single (or double) shot of espresso, then fill the rest with boiling water. Bam! It’ll taste a million times better, and you won’t go for three nights without sleep, believing you’re a hummingbird.
3. Don’t clean your machine
Like anything, your coffee machine needs to be cleaned regularly to keep your coffee tasting nice. You wash the mug that the coffee goes in (well, hopefully) so it stands to reason that you should wash any external attachments, and run regularly run a cleaning cycle for the internal workings of the machine. (If you don’t have a machine with an automated cleaning cycle, you can keep it clean by running it ‘blind’ – i.e. just pouring a shot of hot water (no coffee) through it every now and then.
One of my pet peeves is a dirty milk wand. If you don’t wipe the milk wand immediately after use, it’ll develop a crusty build-up of dry, baked-on milk. Which is totally disgusting! I mean, what are you, an animal??
In addition to wiping the milk wand, you should blast the remaining milk residue out after use by pointing the milk nozzle towards the drip tray and turning on the steam for a few seconds.
4. Use decaf
First of all, ‘decaf’ doesn’t necessarily mean 100% free from caffeine (generally it only gets down to around 97% caffeine free).
Secondly, the process of decaffeinating coffee requires the use of nasty chemicals to leach the caffeine out of the bean.
Thirdly, it tastes like dirt! Bleeeerrrgghhh!!!
For a caffeine-free alternative, have a hot chocolate. Speaking as an ex barista, it’s a far less shameful choice than decaf, trust me. Or do as I do and ask for a ‘weak’ coffee – or a tea – or some paint thinner – or ANYTHING ELSE! Seriously people, have some self respect.
5. Drink instant
Enough said.
And if all else fails, you can always invest in an automated coffee machine that does everything for you – making it virtually impossible to create an abysmal brew! My suggestion is the Philips Saeco Xelsis – we’re got one in the office and I can personally vouch for it. Easy to use and makes great-tasting coffee. Speaking of which…
I have a serious beef with your point about decaf. For some of us pregnant or breast feeding mummies, full strength just isn’t an option. AND more to the point, decaf is like normal coffee – make it badly it will taste like dirty dishwater but honestly otherwise when made well, it doesn’t taste any different. I have been drinking decaf for nearly three bloody years now due to babies and hot chocolate doesn’t bloody cut it.
So until you have reason to drink decaf ALL THE TIME don’t thumb your nose just because we are!!
AND Lou you KNOW I drank proper coffee before this so I do have taste!
Another way to ruin coffee is is leave pre-ground coffee sitting in the container or packet for days, even weeks on end…………another disgusting habit. ( have you put your nose into a packet of stale coffee? It smells like a dirty ashtray ! )
And invest in a grinder ( and I mean a GRINDER, not a chopper) and grind fresh whole beans as required.
Robert
Hi Yvonne, being forced to drink decaf all the time doesn’t make decaf good! I’m sure once you finish making your own soccer team you’ll be pleasantly surprised with how much better real coffee is than you remember!