The kettle is for water, not sausages – 5 insane ways to void your warranty

January 27th, 2012

Ovens & Cooking

There are many ways to ruin food. But it takes a certain element of genius to ruin food in a way that no one has ever ruined it before.

Copy these cooking methods, and you may end up ruining your appliances too! Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

1. Grilled cheese in a toaster

In theory, this seems like a brilliant idea. Simply turn your toaster on its side and voila! Instant grilled cheese on toast.

The problem is that cheese is a difficult beast to tame. You run the risk of cheese bubbling up and getting caught in the heating elements. Unfortunately, the risk of burning your kitchen down kind of outweighs the benefit of grilling cheese in less time. …Or does it?

2. Hash browns in a toaster

Why Morris from our marketing team thought this was a good idea we’ll never know, but we suspect it might have had something to do with the larger-than-average quantity of alcohol he had consumed prior to toasting.

Needless to say Morris was soon in the market for a new toaster from Appliances Online.

3. Eggs in a kettle

A cup of tea and a boiled egg is an excellent way to start your day. So why not pop your egg in the kettle and prepare both at once? Genius, right?

Probably not. First of all, if the egg touches the heating element it will explode. Secondly, this method still takes around 13 minutes (you need to boil the kettle then let it sit for long enough for the egg to cook) which around the same time as it would take on the stove. Finally, we have two words for you: chicken poop. Not the most flavoursome accompaniment to a cup of Earl Grey, at least not in our book.

4. Sausages in a kettle

We kid you not, someone has actually tried this. A young man, confronted by the fact that sausages needed to be prepared in some way before eating, took a look at the spout of his kettle and thought, ‘eureka!’

This is an efficient way of simultaneously ruining a kettle, a sausage, and your reputation faster than you can say ‘food poisoning’.

5. Two minute noodles in a kettle

This story comes to us from our copywriters, Mark.

Mark: “A friend of mine once tried to make two minute noodles in a kettle. It didn’t end well.”
Me: “What were they thinking?”
Mark: “Uh, they weren’t?”

The moral of this story? Friends don’t let friends drink and use appliances.

Cooking misadventures happen all the time. What’s the craziest way you’ve tried to cook?

Louise is a writer with a passion for appliances, especially those that involve food. She is particularly fond of ovens because they enable her to make cake. Apart from baking Louise also enjoys listening to alternative music, dying her hair various unnatural colours and writing poetry that has been described (by her Nan) as 'quite nice'. On her appliance wish list is a Hello Kitty toaster and 'Hero' the barking dog-shaped hot dog maker. She lives in Sydney. Google+

17 responses to “The kettle is for water, not sausages – 5 insane ways to void your warranty”

  1. > Two minute noodles in a kettle
    Yeah, but what has actually happened? 😀

  2. Jepooley says:

    I once had a friend who said she was going to do dinner, ten minutes later she was back, i asked her “thought you was going to cook and have dinner?”, she said yes i have, what did you have i asked her, and she said boiled potatoes and chicken nuggets! what you couldnt of cooked it and had it that quick yes she said, so i asked her how she did it, she did the nuggets under the grill ok fair enough i thought but then she said she boiled the potatoes in the kettle when i told her no she cant do that they wont be cooked she was mortified!! i have never laughed so much they must of been hard surely x

  3. I think it’s safe to say that if you put *anything* other than water in a kettle the results will be less than spectacular – but potatoes, wow! The mind boggles. 🙂

  4. Mark Bristow says:

    Edvard: Chicken-flavoured tea for about a month. 🙂

  5. Toasted cheese sandwich – wrap in foil, and iron for a long time.  Not only worked, but the iron wasn’t harmed 🙂

  6. Anita says:

    When microwaves first came out, my mother decided to ‘bake’ a chicken.  After approx. 3-4 hours in the microwave without any noticeable colour change, she decided that it just had to be cooked by that stage and took it out. By this stage we were all starving and sitting expectantly at the table. It looked weird and when Mum put the knife into it, the skin collapsed in a steamy mess and we discovered that only the skin and bones were left.  We laughed for hours while mum cried!

  7. Heather says:

    Wrap fish tightly in tin foil, put it in your dishwasher on fast wash (no soap!) and you have perfectly cooked fish.
    The foil must be wrapped tightly or you will; end up with fish bits through the dishwasher – yuk!

  8. Ladyangua says:

    Why would you do that? My kids do noodles in a bowl all the time, you pour boiling water over the noodles in the bowl and let them sit about 5 min, no cooking needed and no chicken flavoured tea.

  9. Hahaha, oh dear! This reminds me of the time my mum cooked a cake in the microwave, but didn’t mix the eggs well enough so we ended up with random bits of omelette cooked inside the cake. Delicious!

  10. Holy mackerel! You learn a new thing every day…

  11. Mark Bristow says:

    I suspect he was trying to be clever and efficient by skipping the “pouring” and “sitting” steps, or maybe he was just impatient.  Either way, I have it on good authority that his housemates were rather unimpressed.

  12. Michelle says:

    When I was younger I wanted to make a hot chocolate so instead of putting the milk in a saucepan to heat up I put the milk into the kettle and ruined it. It stunk so bad I tried to cover the area with incense and when my parents boiled the kettle to make coffee it didn’t taste very nice and they found out. I also put fabric in the microwave to melt it not realising the fabric had metal strands in it and sparks came off the fabric. Whoops

  13. Angelacoburn says:

    Ah, but we had a kettle with a special egg coddler that sat on top just below the lid. Boil the kettle, coddle your eggs at the same time. Now, there was an appliance !

  14. Deanwearne says:

    Mates of mine had a pond just outside of there smoko hut full of Yabbies some body thought the urn water was making the coffee taste funny, but couldn’t work out where the claw had come from when they rinsed it out. My mates started taking sandwiches again for lunch.

  15. Warren McDonough says:

    I wrap a steak, butter and a little bit of cup’o’soup in tin foil and wire to exhaust manifold…drive at 100km for 20 km and turn….yum

  16. Thehotelsplendid says:

    we cooked noodles for 6 in motel kettles driving through france and spain .1 packet at a time ,it worked great,add the flavouring in bowl after as a courtesy to next user.also hot milk is do able.
    Not porridge tho.

  17. It seems to me when we’ve got yoghurt chewing-gum, the chicken tea is just next logical step.

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