Cooking while drunk
August 23rd, 2012
A well-known fact about Australia is that we are, as a nation, fond of consuming the occasional alcoholic beverage.
And while moderation is a concept that Appliances Online wholeheartedly condones, we acknowledge that there still might come a time in your life where you find yourself in a state of inebriation …and hungry.
Before you start scavenging the pamphlet collection wallpapering the front of your refrigerator, we urge you to think not just of your health, but your budget. Cooking at home is generally a more nutritious and cheaper alternative to takeaway food, so next time you find yourself using an empty red wine bottle as some sort of makeshift periscope, we suggest you think outside the (Domino’s) box and whip up a delicious creation of your own!
Chip Sandwich
Containing all the vital nutrients (those being oil, salt, and crunchy), this dish is as satisfying as it is absorbent.
Ingredients
2 slices of bread (for extra – or any – fibre, use multigrain)
Chips (if you want to get all fancy-pants, we recommend salt and vinegar flavour)
Margarine
Method
Butter bread, using an extremely blunt butter knife. (Better yet, use the back of a spoon).
Assemble crisps on one slice.
Place final slice on top. Eat over sink.
Ice Cream with Milo
An old classic, this sweet treat can be enjoyed by anyone from adolescent boozers through to gin-addled old women with no teeth.
Ingredients
Ice-cream (our preference: neopolitan)
Milo
Method
Scoop ice-cream into some kind of concave receptacle. (If no sundae parfaits are available, make do with an inverted saucepan lid).
Sprinkle generous amount of Milo.
Eat before it melts. (Congealed ice-cream is ridiculously hard to get out of one’s hair).
Slow-cooked noodle surprise
The beauty of this dish is it’s basically impossible to ruin, and it doesn’t involve any kind of direct heat source with which you could potentially set fire to yourself.
Ingredients
Two minute noodles (for special occasions, try the expensive $1 noodles in the red packet with the Chinese writing which you hope doesn’t say “snout flavour”).
Method
Put noodles, seasoning, and that weird little pouch of dried ‘vegetables’ in a bowl.
Boil kettle. For best results, make sure there is water in it first.
Pour freshly boiled water over noodles, then put a large plate over the top. Leave for about five minutes (or the amount of time it takes you to go have a quick spew). The water will absorb like magic, rendering your noodles cooked to perfection with no effort whatsoever!
Stir to distribute lumps, then eat and enjoy. (Note: enjoyment of this dish will be drastically improved if you also happen to be a masochist).
Bacon and eggs a la sandwich press
A concept we’ve already explored with near exhaustive frequency on this blog, sandwich presses can be used for far more than merely making a cheese toastie. The non-stick surface is easy to clean (make sure you stock up on paper towels) and best of all, it cooks both sides at once! Also there’s far less chance of you leaving the stove on and burning your house down – win!
Ingredients
Bacon
Eggs
Toast (to serve)
Method
Fire up your sandwich press. If you don’t own a sandwich press, buy one immediately from Appliances Online.
Spray with cooking oil. Place bacon on one side, and crack eggs on the other. Semi-close the lid for a faster cooking time.
When you start to smell smoke, lift the lid, spatula onto toast, cover with barbeque sauce and eat. Serving suggestion: before you pass out.
(Addendum: if you’re prone to passing out while cooking, we recommend that you picket appliance manufacturers to start producing Richie Black‘s invention “Appliance-Off Angus” the Robot, who “…will happily trundle to over the appliance you’ve drunkenly forgotten about and make sure it’s off, the fire is out, and gauge whether the food substance you were cooking is at all edible.”)
For more tips and tricks for cooking while drunk, we strongly recommend you check out this program:
…and for the day after, head over to 5 Essential Appliances You Need To Cure A Hangover for helpful advice about regaining your will to live.
Hashbrowns in the toaster used to be the ultimate drunk cooking. Until the toaster exploded and cut the power to the whole building. Hashbrown tasted like electricity.