8 Appliances We Desperately Need … But Haven’t Been Invented Yet
July 20th, 2012
As human progress screams headlong into a golden age of convenience and unlimited laziness … it’s about time we call out manufacturers on the appliances they AREN’T making!
We’re calling it 8 Appliances That Haven’t Been Invented Yet – these are items which will meet specific demand that consumers have been crying out for years.
We’ve even given them some helpful names to help prod those lax inventors into gear … c’mon guys!
The “Good-Morning Anti-Hangover-inator”
Perfect for those who wish the morning after a big-night-out to be less like a visit to Satan’s plumber’s crack. This, we’d imagine, would be coffee-machine shaped, and take pride of place on your bedside table.
During moments of sobriety – ie the day before you fall off the wagon – you will prime this machine with a few litres of fresh water, pain killers, Berocca and a strong dose of coffee, which will be stored within the machine, in separate compartments. The water will remain chilled, the Berocca will remain fizzy, and the coffee will remain strong – until called upon.
The machine is, naturally, voice activated. Come the dreaded morning hour and all the unlucky hangover victim has to do is emit a small groan and the “Good Morning Anti-Hangover-inator” will immediately dispense the ultimate cure on a tray … direct to the patient!
The “Big-Brother-Fridge”
A fridge that actually regulates what you eat and ensures you don’t fall into bad habits. The perfect solution to anyone (like us) who finds it difficult to say no to temptation.
Pending further development we forsee the fridge cavity will feature several compartments, each one with some kind of shutter system, that would – subject to programming – prevent access to food-stuffs.
Alternatively, the fridge may also take a more passive aggressive approach, emitting disapproving noises or saying things like “oh, if you want to get fat be my guest!” if the door is opened too many times.
The “Pet Pamperer”
Shaped something like a hand attached to a complex control system (we’ll let the boffins deal with the boring details) this is a perfect solution for those with needy animals – that just take up too much of your damn time.
Let’s face it, cats and dogs are never satisfied with a simple scratch behind the ears and even elongated petting sessions usually involve some kind of tacit resentment or reproachful “how you could do this to me?” look when you finally give your aching hand a rest. That’s where the Pet Pamperer comes in, freeing you from the responsibility of treating your animal’s itches and letting you get on with other facets of your life, such as sleeping and eating.
Rejected names for this product included “Pussy Petter” and “Kitty Fiddler” (thanks Louise!).
The picture above is a prototype developed by one of our of associates.
“Alan the Automatic Lavatory Bowl-Cleaning Robot”
Able to be rolled (or walked) into place, with an extendable arm mounted on chassis allowing it to reach deep inside the toilet bowl ….
… this is the perfect solution whenever rolling up your sleeves and reaching for the scrubber and/or plunger seems like a lot of effort or too much like having your hand in your own effluent.
With a variety of attachments, such as plunger, brush, heavy-duty brush, and a range of cleaning cycles ranging from “light polish” and “floater removal” to “heavy-duty scrub”, this will be the perfect product any 21st century home will need. Comes with a BONUS guy with a beard (see picture at right.)
“Crevice Gunk Be-Gone”
Able to reach into the small spaces underneath your appliances (like fridges and ovens) – this device (we suspect, we don’t know), features a thin, yet high-powered suction device that’s able to effectively remove the foot-stuffs that seem to perpetually roll underneath there … and are normally impossible to get out.
That it will be automated and do it without you knowing anything about it, will be an added bonus.
Hand-Held Food Tester
Lost track of how long that milk has been in the fridge? Not sure if that hummus is still good? Wondering why that mayonnaise smells like your armpits … but tempted to still risk it?
Well, with the amazing Hand-Held Food Taster, now you can get an exact reading to determine exactly what sort of state your food-stuff is in and whether it will kill you given half a chance.
Just apply the probe to the substance you want tested, and the reading will appear on the attached meter. Results range from: “Still Edible” to “Deadly”. So convenient! – and would be even more so, if only the bloody thing existed.
“Appliance-Off Angus” the Robot
Angus is a small, lovable robot that makes sure you don’t fall asleep with any of your appliances on. Responding to the smell of billowing smoke, Angus will happily trundle to over the appliance you’ve drunkenly forgotten about and make sure it’s off, the fire is out, and guage whether the food substance you were cooking is at all edible.
He comes with extendable arms, and the ability to intelligently react to everything from touch-control appliances to sandwich presses … and will even prod you onto your side if you’ve passed out in your bathroom.
All Angus wants is to be invented. Until then, he’ll be very sad.
The “Anti-Douchebag Office Control Appliance”
This is an appliance with a specifically office application. An attachment to your sink, the “Anti-Douchebag” sends out a verbal warning to those office moles who leave their dirty plates and mugs in the sink when they can easily put them in the dishwasher.
It’s also able to be programmed to solve common office kitchen arguments, such as the correct procedure for cleaning the coffee-machine – possibly with the application of electric shock treatment for the more self-righteous douches … plus take responsibility for who owns what food substance in the fridge.
Discretely attached so as to not to compromise bench-space (as per picture, above right).
Well, there’s 8 flat-out awesome appliances (yet to be invented). Can you think of any more incredible appliances that, as yet, don’t exist? And what colour are they?
I need a fiance-shut-the-hell-up-inator. It’s like a constant British-accented drone and even when things are silent, just one look alone and I know I’m doing something wrong.