Bug-off: how to deal with cockroaches in your appliances

Firstly, clean-up, you lazy fool! Cockroaches love a mess. And when you’ve done, come over and tidy up my place, it’s filthy.

• Aside from that, here are some tips we’ve picked up – some or all of ’em may be applicable to your infestation.

• Spread a thin layer of boric acid around your appliances. When the ‘roach walks over it – the acid will stick to its body. Lethal to them, but safe (in moderation) for people and pets. You can also try dusts such as silica and diatomaceous earth, which drys out their waxy coating and kills them. Hey presto – you’re a killer, buddy!

• Here’s a (slightly odd) remedy we found on the internet: put your appliance (we’re assuming they’ve got to be of the smaller variety) in a sealed plastic bag. Then place the bag in the freezer. ‘Roaches don’t like cold and will express their antipathy for it by dying.

• Use non-toxic traps. Sooner or later the little blighters will succumb to these lures and – we pause to laugh evilly – fall victim. Lo-Line traps, for example, attract their prey with a scent (more-or-less undetectable to us), which get stuck on their ultra-sticky surface. Their victims then proceed to starve to death. You can watch them slowly drift off the mortal coil while tangling with the moral dilemma – are you being environmentally friendly or just a cruel b*stard?

• A similar DIY solution is to put a small piece of onion on a length of duct tape, leaving the tape with the sticky side up near the infected appliance/s overnight. In the morning, you’ll discover a rich crop of trapped ‘roaches. Fun for the whole family!

• Another interesting tip we came across … if you’re looking to evict six-legged tenants from your microwave, place a small glass of wine in the microwave cavity. Cockroaches are notorious alcoholics and will fall into the glass and die. We assume with a smile on their faces (depending on the vintage).

• And to keep them out – we recommend applying a thin line of sealant (something like caulk) to cracks and crevices around the kitchen. Look out for access points such as around pipes under the sink. You are gonna have to be thorough with this – the little (insert that expletive again) can fit into tighter spaces smaller than fifth of an inch.

We have to note that a truly implacable horde of cockroaches may require the use of professionals. Or you can leave the country.