History’s greatest album covers… featuring appliances

December 7th, 2012

Appliance News

From Radiohead’s “He buzzes like a fridge” through to Marvin Gaye’s “I’m hot just like an oven,” appliance references have been improving music since the dawn of time.

Seriously, cast your mind back to the dark times in which appliances had not yet been invented. The only music they had then was boring symphonies and lame folk songs. But as soon as whitegoods entered the scene, so did amazing musicians such as Elvis and Bob Dylan. The only possible conclusion that can be drawn from this evidence is that appliances are to thank for the greatest music ever made in the history of humanity.

But sadly, despite the fact appliances provided direct inspiration for most of the Twentieth Century’s best-selling albums, they are rarely acknowledged. So today Appliances Online is paying homage to the unsung (get it??) heroes that have contributed to the music industry in such a profound and important way:

1. George Benson: The George Benson Cookbook

Lovers of fine cuisine might be a little miffed to discover that instead of mouth-watering recipes for poached quail eggs and baba ganoush, instead this package contains a jazz record. Even worse for people who make the (easy) mistake of confusing George Benson with George Foreman. “Wait a minute… this jazz record doesn’t knock out the fat AT ALL!” Worst.

2. ALIAS Chamber Ensemble: Boiling Point

Described as “A tea party worth attending,” this album by a Nashville chamber ensemble pays homage to the oft-unappreciated kettle. What fans of the band might be intrigued to discover is that the kettle was not the first choice of inspiration for this album – working titles included “Browning Point” (with a picture of a toaster), and “Appropriate Temperature Level for Safe Meat Storage” (with a picture of a fridge).

Speaking of kettles, watch Rima Te Wiata’s homage to the late great Whitney Houston performing “I Will Always Love Lan Choo” here:

3. The Cure: Three Imaginary Boys

Released in 1979, “Three Imaginary Boys” was The Cure’s first album. Apparently, this album cover was selected by the record company without Robert Smith’s approval, and he hated it. (Robert Smith? Unhappy about something??) The reason for his disapproval probably stems from the fact the slightly ajar fridge door promotes a wasteful approach to energy conservation, encouraging depressed youths worldwide to tax the motors of their fridges and let their lettuce wilt long before the expiration date.

Also, it’s a widely known fact that Robert Smith is a Dyson man. Get it right, people!

4. Cripla: Laundromat

Hip hop and washing machines, together at last! To the joy of countless mothers of teenage boys, UK act Cripla proves that laundering your clothes is an irrefutably dope use of your time. Just don’t forget to separate your whites from your colours, homie! (…Wait a minute. I’m not being racist! I’m not!!)

5. The Rubinoos: Automatic Toaster

Despite only having one charting ‘hit’ (a cover version of “I Think We’re Alone Now” which made it to number 45 on the US charts), the Rubinoos have enjoyed a loyal cult following for years, which was reignited recently when the band sued Avril Lavigne because her song “Girlfriend” shares similarities with their song “I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend”. (They settled out of court for a confidential sum in 2008).

Moving right along, “Automatic Toaster” was released in 2010, and contains many gold-plated pop nuggets such as “Zombie Night in Madrid” and “Blame it on the Pony Express” (I’m not even joking). Ingeniously, by featuring likenesses of their faces on pieces of toast, the fact that several years have passed since the band’s inception in 1970 is pleasingly obscured. …Except for maybe the dude on the right – upon whose face I would be rapidly applying liberal amounts of Nutella before feeding it to my dog.

6. Liz Clark: Hand On The Stove

By this point you’re probably thinking that I’ve hastily started Photoshopping images together to form album covers so ridiculous they couldn’t possibly be real. But rest assured I am both lazy and terrible at Photoshop, which means that yes, someone really did think it a good idea to name their album “Hand On The Stove”.

Gotta say, she looks pretty relaxed for someone who’s just put her hand on the stove. Perhaps it’s an ultra-safe induction cooktop?

7. Enty3way: Microwave

Details on this particular artist were hard to come by, so I’m going to make them up. “Microwave” is a daring new release from young rapper Enty3way, who has managed to make a name for himself in the music world despite clearly being dyslexic. A homage to all foods inadequately reheated, this musical masterpiece features the singles “Lava Hot on the Outside Yet Frozen in the Middle”, “Why Does My Pudding Taste Like Curry?” and “Please Cover Your Food and Clean Up After Yourself: Your Mother Does Not Work Here.”

8. Shakira: Laundry Service

Okay so it’s the back cover, but still, this pop classic explores the theme of laundry with style, sex appeal, and a reckless amount of shimmying. The best-known single from this album is “Whenever, Wherever” in which Shakira croons the line: “Lucky that my breasts are small and humble / So you don’t confuse them with mountains.”

Not since the Appliances Online cricket team was named ‘The Spin Cycles’ has laundry been this hot! (Well, except for maybe the extra-hot Hygiene cycle on the latest Bosch front loader – removes 99% of germs!)

9. Perfect White Noise: Vacuum Cleaner Album

Yes, this is a real CD and yes, apparently, there is a market for this kind of thing. If the album description is to be believed, Vacuum Cleaner Album is “…great to help adults sleep, help students increase focus and concentration, and help pets deal with anxiety.” It will also “help to soothe your crying baby.”

Beloved by the hearing impaired and the mentally ill, Vacuum Cleaner Album is rivalled in brilliance only by the albums “Leaf Blower Man Early On A Saturday Morning” and “That Annoying Bird That Sits Outside Your Bedroom Window And Sings Only When You Have Insomnia Or A Raging Hangover”.

Also available from the same record company: