Appliances for surviving a zombie apocalypse

March 9th, 2012

Appliance Talk

Australians are pretty good at handling themselves in a crisis.  Our rapid responses to the floods, bushfires and more in recent years show that when the pressure’s on, we have what it takes to be ready in the face of natural disasters.

But what about UNNATURAL disasters?

I am, of course, referring to the very real and totally-not-fictional threat of zombies.

Just because the unholy armies of the night are trudging across the land doesn’t mean you have to give up all of your modern conveniences.  Before you barricade yourself inside your house and sort out your weapons (the Zombie Survival Guide recommends a shovel or crowbar, as they double as versatile tools), you should work out the appliances you’ll need to survive the crisis in relative comfort.

Preserve your perishables in a chest freezer

Once you’ve barricaded yourself in your home for the long haul, you won’t be able to duck down to the shops any more.  At least, not without meeting some new friends that are very curious about the nutritional content of your BRAINS.

If society has not yet completely collapsed and electricity is still running, you’ll be able to pack a great deal of perishable food into a chest freezer, hopefully enough to get you through the crisis.  This means you’ll be able to live on something other than tinned pork-and-beans, which will definitely help to keep morale up among your fellow survivors.

Keep awake with coffee

You’ll probably already be in a hyper-alert state, what with the zombies everywhere, but once you’ve been awake for 96 hours straight, listening to their moaning, you may need a little something to pep yourself up.  A quickly-prepared shot of espresso from a coffee machine could be just what you need to keep your adrenaline moving and your brain in ‘fight or flight’ mode.

Of course, caffeine is also addictive, so you should make sure that you’re not entirely reliant on coffee to stay awake.  If you need to go on the run, you’ll have to go without, and having to deal with caffeine withdrawal symptoms fleeing a zombie horde could be what prevents you from escaping and causes you to be forcibly inducted into their ranks.

Cook quickly with a microwave

While attempting to create a luxurious five-course meal is one way to stave off boredom in a house that’s under zombie siege, it’s probably not the most efficient use of your time or resources.

It’s much simpler and faster to use a microwave and let good old radiation* do the job of quickly heating up your food.  Unless the zombies are also radioactive, in which case you could somehow end up making them stronger.  That’s science, that is.

*Actually, the microwave energy used in cooking is very different to the kind of radioactive radiation used in nuclear power generation and the like.  But the presence of zombies probably indicates that the normal laws of science have gone out the window, so better to be safe than sorry.

Boil and filter your water with a kettle or boiling tap

In most reports of zombie activity, the Zombie Plague is spread through bites, scratches and other forms of physical contact.  But if reports start coming in that a mad scientist has filled the water with mutagens, you’ll have to start boiling your drinking water to avoid infection.

A simple kitchen kettle should be enough to keep your personal supply of water pathogen-proof, but if you need a lot of water in a hurry, such as if a whole family of zombie-escapees are sheltering with you, the large tanks, tight filters and efficient flow of a boiling filter tap can keep you all well-supplied for as long as the infrastructure holds together.

Clear the air with an air conditioner or air purifier

What if The Virus is airborne?  Are the noxious fumes of decaying zombies messing with your home’s environment?  Been busy surviving and haven’t bathed in days?  Well worry no more!

Antibacterial filters and other features of many air conditioners and air purifiers will keep your home’s air clean and fresh, even as civilised society collapses around you.  Plus, they can help remove dust and allergens from the air, so you’ll be less likely to sneeze and give away your position to the zombies.

On that note, you’ll want to think about checking that your air conditioner, as well as all of your other appliances, have a quiet operation mode, to avoid attracting zombie attention.  The loud WHIRRR of an old and dodgy fridge compressor starting up can bring the walking dead to your door just as reliably as a bloodcurdling scream.

Prepare more food with a bread maker

Running out of frozen pizzas?  Canned fruit losing its appeal?  Nothing left to eat but flour, grains, dog food and BRAINS*?

You don’t need to survive on flour – adding it and a few other handy and simple ingredients to a bread maker will result in quick and easy food to keep you going that bit longer through the zombie siege.  Find out if man actually can live on bread alone!  Though you may want to add a bit of fruit or some nuts to the mix for some variety.

*If you consider brains to be a legitimate food option, then you may already be a zombie.  If this is the case, then neither this guide, nor science as we know it, can help you.

Cook on the run using a portable BBQ or cooktop

You’ll want to travel light while you’re fleeing from zombies, and you can’t always rest assured that you’ll be able to scavenge what you need out of the ruins of civilization.  While you could cook any food you scavenge with an old-fashioned open fire, these take a long time to prepare and can also draw attention from a long way away.

But if you can find a working electrical plug, generator, or gas tank, you can use one of our portable barbeque grills or portable cooktops and burners to cook up the food that will not only give you the energy you need to keep moving, but help keep your spirits up.

Get creative!

Our fans have proven that not every appliance has to be used the way it was intended to get great results.  With a little ingenuity, you can turn everyday household objects into whatever you need to survive.

If you’re fleeing the zombie-infested city, strap a steak to the manifold to eat once you’re outside the quarantine zone.  Sheltering in an abandoned house with a broken oven but a working dishwasher?  Steam a fish in there!  The possibilities are endless.

Be prepared

Even though Appliances Online delivers the appliances you want quickly and for free in many areas around Australia, our drivers may struggle to reach you on time if the dead are rising from their graves.  Better to order now, while the zombie threat level is still low (not nonexistent, just low).

And never forget – use your head, and always aim for theirs.