Appliances for real men

April 18th, 2012

Hey! You there with the muscles! Put that anvil down and pay attention.

With Mother’s Day just around the corner, you’re probably thinking: ‘When are all the unsung heroes of our great nation – whose tireless hard work goes by day after day without acknowledgement, glory, or lavender-scented gift soaps – going to get their moment in the sun?’

Yes that’s right, I’m talking about one of the most marginalised and undervalued segments of our society: men.

With all our talk of cupcake makers and food mixers, you’d be forgiving for thinking appliances are a lady’s domain. So if you’re a bloke and you’ve been feeling somewhat underrepresented…

‘WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING YOU’RE CUTTING INTO MY CHIKO ROLL TIME!’

Okay, okay! Geez. Here’s some stuff for the blokes. Starting with:

REALLY ENORMOUS BBQ

Yeeeah, just look at this baby!

The Beefeater Signature SL4000s series features up to 6 burners, allowing you to cremate enough dead animal flesh to rupture even the manliest bowel.

Plus it’s got fire! And shiny stainless steel! And… fire!!!

FRIDGE FULL OF BEER

Beer is a delicious beverage enjoyed by all.

The cause and solution to all life’s problems, beer is a drink best consumed frequently.

We recommend keeping your beer in a refrigerated box, such as this one:

Beer and football, together at last! Buy this fridge and we guarantee that your life will be forever complete.*

MONSTROUSLY LARGE CHEST FREEZER

The problem with hunting bears, crocodiles and wildebeests all day is that their massive carcasses have a tendency to pile up before you’ve a chance to cook them on your REALLY ENORMOUS BARBEQUE.

This chest freezer from Westinghouse gives you a whopping 700 litres of storage space – which is essentially large enough to fit an entire cow.

AN ENTIRE COW, DUDES. Hope you like steak.

ROBOT VACUUM

Cleaning’s not a man’s job – that’s what ~~women~~ robot slaves are for!

The future is here, and instead of murderous androids, we’ve got benign robotic vacuums that cats like to ride around on. (Yeah, we know murderous androids would have been cooler, but give it a couple of years and maybe we’ll get lucky…)

Using intelligent sensor technology, these nifty Samsung NaviBots will remove dust and dirt from your floor while you sit on the couch living the good life – like this guy:

So there you have it fellas, appliances guaranteed to reinforce your manhood and make you popular with the ladies. Because there’s nothing us women like more than a man who can cook, chill beer, buy groceries in bulk and keep the floors clean. Amen, sisters!

*Provided your only goal in life is to own an All Blacks-themed bar fridge.

Louise Carter

Louise is a writer with a passion for appliances, especially those that involve food. She is particularly fond of ovens because they enable her to make cake. Apart from baking Louise also enjoys listening to alternative music, dying her hair various unnatural colours and writing poetry that has been described (by her Nan) as 'quite nice'. On her appliance wish list is a Hello Kitty toaster and 'Hero' the barking dog-shaped hot dog maker. She lives in Sydney. Google+