Top 5 Things Too HORRIFIC to watch on a Home Theatre System (warning: contains graphic images)

July 18th, 2013

Appliance News Humour TV, Audio & Electronics TVs

Okay, there are definitely things made to be enjoyed on your cool new Home Theatre System. In fact, we’ve only just wrapped up a blog post about movie spectaculars just right for your Blu-ray home theatre system.

But what about things that are too AWFUL for that? Pieces of “entertainment” whose rank ugliness will be heightened to EXTREME levels by the crystalline resolution of a 64” Plasma Screen in cahoots with a thumping Soundbar?

By all means crank up the sound and darken the room when something you love comes on the box. But you may wish to avert your eyes should any of these monsters hove into view:

1. Garishly ugly, stupid movies.

You know the breed. Think “Glitter” starring Mariah Carey. “Batman and Robin”. Anything by Michael Bay.

On your big beautiful LED screen, the horror will unfortunately be magnified a thousand-fold  – Ben Affleck’s soullessness will take over your soul. Mariah’s glitter will be sprayed in your face. And the nipples on the Batsuit will poke you determinedly in the eye. When your mind-blowing home entertainment set-up just makes you want to blow your mind out, you know you’re not onto a good thing.

2. Awful reality freak shows.

Reality shows have a tendency to dredge up the gunk off the bottom of the gene pool and splatter it all over our screens. Think Snookie. Think Kim Kardashian. Think anyone on The Shire (oh, whoops, I forgot – no one watched that). Why? ‘Cos it satisfies the basic human urge to check out the freak parade.

Hence also a show like “Embarrassing Bodies” or the king-sized success of the British documentary about a man with 10 Stone Testicles. An incredible home theatre system offers an amazingly immersive experience, but nobody wants to be immersed in that.

3. Celebrity Sex Tapes.

If don’t want your eyes to bleed, it’s best to stay away from these at the best of times. But a monster flat-panel screen will throw you – excruciatingly – right into the midst of the action.

Remember that you have to factor in the kind of people who tend to star (unwillingly or willingly) in these acts of defilement against good taste and reason. Imagine the skin-crawling experience of being trapped in a room with the likes of Minnie Me (from Austin Powers), Fred Durst or Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved By the Bell) as they go through the motions. These people ALL have (separate) sex tapes out there. In fact, Screech “released” his by himself in order to give his career a boost.

The very idea of watching it makes us what to scour our bodies with steel wool and spend a decade or two living in a monastery  – where no one, thankfully, has ever heard of Limp Bizkit.

4. TV “Personalities”.

TV is plagued with these people. Talking heads, “experts”, talent-show judges and celebrity chefs. Invariably annoying, if not actually evil, they will often be found filling the frame of your TV because some half-wit thinks we can’t get enough of their “personality”. Only the most vile of these creatures will be relegated to oblivion and only if the viewers complain loud enough.

Famously Tom Waterhouse made being a cold, blood-sucking talking head into an art form. The thought of him in Full High Definition is enough to give us screaming nightmares.

5. Torture movies.

These are the kind of movies that appeal to people who want to watch a snuff movie without the pesky illegalities of it. The marketing term is “Torture Porn” or “gorno”. Flicks like “Hostel” and “The Human Centipede” ( the oh-so quaint story of a German surgeon who decides to join the gastrointestinal tract of three kidnapped tourists) are some of the more famous examples of the oeuvre.

Those at least have the benefits of a plot and a camp charm, but other examples seem to exist purely for the gratification a certain kind of audience member gets on the suffering and dismemberment of on-screen victims (often scantily-clad women).

Still not as bad as watching Tom Waterhouse giving us the odds in the middle of Friday night football, though.

Final word: we’re not trying to turn you off updating your home entertainment equipment. You will typically have an awesome time. Just choose your content wisely!