8 Awesome Appliances For Idiots (like us)

July 26th, 2012

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This is a blog for idiots. You know who you are. Let me explain, I know. Because I’m one of you! 

You may be particularly brilliant at a particular area of your life (ours is constructing forts from empty cereal packets), but in terms of general household maintenance … completely hopeless.

Don’t worry. I get you. We’re the people who forget to turn off appliances. Barely ever turn on others. Use some as paper-weights – or are confused about how to take their appliances out of the cardboard box.

Well, here are some appliances that are so damn easy to use (without compromising on quality) that even idiots like us will be able to handle them.


This is a DeLonghi Nespresso Coffee Machine

You put a Nespresso pod in it. Press a button. Coffee comes out.

Do NOT place anything in it that you’re not supposed to, for example, loose change, bits of carrot, or any kind of incriminating evidence.  

Note that it comes with added device that looks like some kind of artefact from an 80s sci-fi film  – please don’t be confused by this, it’s also there to help. It’s called an Aeroccino and it will be able to be able to give you the perfect amount of frothed milk you desire, hot or cold.

And best of all, coffee will give you (and by that, we mean people like us) the energy to continue to be confused about other more important things in life – such as railway schedules and other existential crises.

This is a Samsung Navibot Robot Vacuum Cleaner

A robot vacuum cleaner. Even that Palaeolithic throw-back of a flat-mate you live with won’t be able to screw this thing up. This thing does the vacuuming for you, while navigating its way around household objects, plotting best possible cleaning paths, and ensuring nothing is missed. And in case you are concerned about having even the slightest input into its ongoing function, it even recharges itself for you.

The only things we’d ask you not to do: tease it, get in its way, make it carry drinks, or call it “Sammy”. If it senses you are too much of an idiot – we suspect it may automatically decide to leave the house.

This is a Electrolux Washer Dryer Combo

A washer and dryer in one – fantastic news for clutzes! Brilliantly cuts down the number of appliances you have to worry about from one to two. That’s a halving of the amount of things you have to worry about by a whopping 50%!

This means if you happen to need your favourite shirt (that Mambo one you’ve been wearing from the 80s) clean and fresh asap (you’ve got a job interview or your mother’s funeral to attend) – you have one machine to take care of the whole thing.

This is a Bosch Stainless Steel Dishwasher

Dirty dishes go in. Clean ones come out.

It has so many automatic functions, we’d be surprised if didn’t wipe your bottom for you. It doesn’t need any wash programs ‘cos the dishwasher can figure out how dirty the dishes are (by monitoring the dirt level in the water during the first rinse cycle) and adjusting the cycle to suit … truly a no-brainer.

All you need to do is remember to actually load it with dishes. Note, then you have to unload the dishwasher.

Forget these stages, and – as we’ve found – the unsuspecting young lad looking to have clean dishes is, well, screwed.

This is an Electrolux Induction and Electric Cooktop

Another very effective appliance for the terminal wallies amongst us, this product has the grace to switch itself off if left unattended.

It can also sense when you’ve let a pot boil dry, your pot has boiled over – and switch off automatically.

Which, naturally, happens to the best of us if we, say, get distracted by some cutting-edge piece of journalism found in one of the leading news sources we subscribe to, cries for help from a fair damsel in distress… or you happen to have drunk an entire bottle of Bin Ends.

This is a Tefal Steam Iron

Ever done any ironing? No, neither have we. But if you ever get the urge to do so, this iron is the way to do so.

Why? – ‘cos it will turn itself off if left unattended for too long … or if you leave it face down for an elongated length of time.

This will give you back the precious moments in your life … you know, those ones you’d otherwise spend putting out fires in your home ‘n stuff.

This is a Tap

Uhuh, you’re probably thinking, you’ve already mastered this thing after years of practice. Well, lah-dee-dah, Einstein.

There’s actually a bit more going on here – and it’s all good news for dummies. This thing, after all, dispenses boiling water. That means you don’t have to worry about boiling a kettle (typically used to boil water, guys).

And if that seems a little too complicated, remember you can always get a responsible adult to put the safety lock on for you. That way you’ll avoid scalding yourself. And for idiots like us, this is great news.

This is a Tefal Blender/Soup Maker

This soup maker is a bit of a god-send, particularly if your cupboard isn’t too full in the kitchen-brains department … and could quite well be the difference between you eating baked beans for the rest of your life or adding a little variety to your diet.

Say you’re making vegetable soup – all you need to do is put the veges (chopped up a bit), add whatever liquid you want (by that we mean something like stock or tomato puree) and press the button. The thing will then proceed to do the rest for you. It does it discretely too, with a minimum of fuss, without complaining and without pointing a finger at you and laughing.

There you go, a great selection of products for idiots.

Stay tuned for more life-changing advice from the kids at Appliances Online!


Richie is a Sydney based writer with sophistication, flair and hair. Aside from blogging and writing for Appliances Online and Big Brown Box, he is also a new playwright who had his first play, ‘The Local’ performed last year at the Sydney Fringe Festival. He is also the wicketkeeper for the Gladstone Hotel Cricket Club and his favourite appliance is any 3D Blu-ray Home Theatre System that can be delivered to his house free-of-charge in the near future. He was the lead singer of Van Halen in 2002. Google+

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