What not to put in your microwave … and other tips to avoid kitchen explosions!

Let’s put things in perspective. The ultimate kitchen disaster isn’t a collapsing soufflé or a bit of a whiff from your fridge – it’s an explosion.

Because this kind of thing will cause a certain amount of damage. At best, it will seriously impede the ability of the appliance to provide anything like normal service. At worst, it will seriously impede your ability to provide anything like normal service.

Here is a list of precautions for those who want their appliance to stay whole, functioning and without its constituent elements splattering themselves about the place.

We shall deliver our first piece of sage wisdom, sternly and unequivocally:

Don’t put anything in your microwave you shouldn’t.

The urge may be strong, but you must resist the voice on your shoulder telling you 'She'll be right' if you just give that foil-wrapped burrito a quick reheat. Because she won't be right.

The list of things not to put in your microwave is long and varied. It has, for example, been conclusively proved that a propane tank will not last for very long once put into a microwave set to high heat. There are a few more ordinary things you shouldn’t put in a microwave either.

• Metal is a no-no. Unless, of course, you are looking for a spectacular light show – and the possibility of the house burning down.

• Potatoes: A potato will explode in the microwave unless it’s cut up a bit or has more than a few holes jabbed through it for ventilation.

That’s because the ‘tater’s internal moisture will boil, producing steam, and building up pressure against the tough outer skin. Result – Mount Vesuvius in minature. And the same goes for anything else with a certain amount of moisture trapped within a hard shell. Speaking of which …

• Eggs: If you ever badly need an egg boiled, don’t put it in the microwave. An egg is essentially a wad of protein trapped inside a hard shell. When microwaved, this protein expands – and the shell will do what it’s gotta do to get out of the way. By exploding itself all over the inside of your microwave.

• Boiling water: This is a bit of a weird one, but it’s something to be aware of.

Microwaves can heat your water for you. Heating water molecules is what they do. However, they are also capable of heating water faster than it can turn into vapour – causing it to become superheated. Thus charged, the water has the nasty potential to suddenly “bubble-up” – in effect, exploding – and is particularly susceptible to this when being moved from the microwave cavity or when encountering a foreign object, such as a tea bag.

If boiling your water in the microwave, it might pay to add another element while doing so: such as a wooden spoon. These will diffuse the heat and provide a surface upon which the bubbles can form.

There is another option though, a clever device designed specifically for boiling water. If you enjoy hot drinks and are struggling with microwave bubble-up, we recommend checking out kettles.

• Fine china: Because it is likely to have metal in it. You’re also likely to screw with the paint-work which is, in turn, likely to screw with the resale value. Not that you'd dream of ever selling the tea set Great Aunty Vera gave you.

• Sponges: Apparently there’s an old wives’ tale that says you can disinfect a sponge by sticking it in the microwave and burning off the bacteria. It’ll burn the bacteria – it’ll also set fire to the sponge and the bottom of your microwave. In summary: use a sponge to clean a microwave. Do not use a microwave to clean a sponge.

On a similar theme of “what not to put in your appliance”, here’s another one.

Don’t store bullets in your oven
Those are six words I never thought I'd type. There was a massive fail back in 2013 when Florida’s Javarski “JJ” Sandy decided to store the magazine of his Glock 21 in the oven.

It meant that when his friend, 18-year-old Aalaya Walker, began to heat up waffles in the oven he also inadvertently baked the bullets. Aalaya was hit in the chest and leg by flying shrapnel caused by the resulting explosion.

If you ever wondered whether it was a good idea to store your ammunition in your cooking appliance, let this be a lesson to think again. ‘Cos even the pyrolytic function ain’t going to clean up that mess.

While this one doesn't involve misadventures in cooking, it is worth taking note of.

Don’t use the dishwasher in a house that hasn’t been occupied for a while

Okay, so this one is kinda out of left field – but, there’s at least (one) precedent. Apparently, a US Navy housing inspector conducting a routine check of a vacant unit at his base turned on the dishwasher as a routine test – only for the appliance to explode some three minutes later.

No one was hurt in the blast, but it managed to propel the underbench dishwasher across the kitchen as well as ripping out surrounding cabinetry and plumbing. The cause of the mysterious explosion was found to be a build-up of hydrogen gas in the hot water.

According to reports on the incident, authorities said that – under certain circumstances – a hot-water system can produce a surplus of hydrogen gas, which can build up in pipes which have not been used for two weeks or more. Hydrogen being an extremely flammable substance, the theory was that it had been ignited by the timer or relay switch inside the dishwasher.

Lesson? Safety inspectors recommend that occupants returning to a building after an extended amount of time, should first run the hot-water taps to relieve potential gas build-ups.

Which brings us to just a few less specific pieces of safety advice to prevent the generation of flammable situations … giving particular emphasis to those that are a potential source of gas leaks of any kind.

• Make sure all your gas appliances are inspected and serviced each year by a trained professional.

• Be ready and aware of the dangers of a gas leak – once you’ve picked up on the tell-tale “rotten egg” smell, evacuate your home immediately, pausing neither to touch any electrical switches, operate your phone, or light up a cigarette before putting a CD in the microwave.

• Read the operating manual carefully. To make sure you can cook with this or that. Whether your oven can deal with fan-heating the propane tank.

• Be aware of flammable substances you may have (cooking spray, insect repellants) and make sure they are stored well away from heat sources. Oh, and funnily enough, that includes flour – which is definitely explosive.

• When in doubt, back away slowly. Get out your phone, press record on the camera function and upload to YouTube.