Awesomely TERRIBLE appliance-related stock photos!

November 9th, 2012

Appliance Talk Cooktops Fridges & Freezers Humour Kitchen Laundry Vacuums & Floor Care

Blogging for Appliances Online, you’ll inevitably find yourself having to trace the odd stock photo. Some, you know, generic image when you haven’t personally had the time to take a picture of a pregnant woman drinking scotch while she loads a dishwasher (for that article about some safety feature or other).

We’re amazed – read delighted – at the amount of ridiculous awful or just plain weird photos we come across in the hunt for a piece of stock art: and here are some of our favourites.

Let’s begin in the kitchen shall we – and get off to a bright start with this cute little image:

… who’d have thought baking could be so grim? It can be, we guess, if your rangehood is busted and you have to wear a gas mask to avoid suffocation. In which case, we’d suggest using flour instead of anthrax. The whole scenario is too much for the kid – who’s baleful stare clearly calls out “help, i’m confused” to the viewer.

Another useful stock photo when I get round to writing that article: “Entertaining your friends at home after the armageddon”.

According to this stock image, fridges cause people more confusion than we thought … Here’s where we can help you out. For example, it isn’t strictly necessary to use your fridge door to cover your modesty from your cat, even if you are feeding it a frankfurt. Oh and don’t keep crabs on your walls. Just. Don’t.

Another bit of advice: don’t think you’re going to be able to sneak off with a row of tomatoes from your fridge without the consent of your spouse. She will beat you to death with a baseball bat. And whatever else you do, don’t take your eyes off the prize by shushing the camera-man. It’s more than likely he’s in on the whole thing, judging by the knowing look she’s sending in this direction.

Here’s a happy-snap we’ll give kudos to for at least illustrating one salient point: if you’re going on a food binge make sure you take your clothes off (saves on laundry duties, when you regain consciousness in the morning). But we can’t help thinking of the kilowatts she’s throwing away by keeping the fridge door wide open. And weirder still – that wine is untouched … what gives?

Don’t leave mayonnaise at the back of the fridge for a decade – it will eventually develop sentient intelligence. And in its barborous and uncivilised fashion, it’ll moon you as soon as you open the fridge door.

As most modern parenting manuals will tell you, kids will cook each other alive if left unattended, which is why a lot of the best cooktops have a safety feature called “Burning Nappy Sensor”.

Yet another good reason why the “Hannibal Lecter Home Cookery Book”, while less likely to make you throw up than anything Ainsley has ever written, was never a best-seller.

Not the least friendly chef we’ve ever encountered, but certainly up there. This woman makes Gordon Ramsay look like Peter Russell-Clarke. Kudos to the tiny portions though: always the sign of a masterchef.

Now to the laundry: and our selection begins thus …Here’s a man who knows what he wants and knows how to get it. He’s a man about town, which means he’s got to have the confidence of knowing he’s crease-free and that his body is virtually hairless. You may say there’s something weird about holding a glass of your own urine in one hand and a really tiny iron in the other – but he doesn’t give a damn about your rules.

Presenting …. the poster-girl for the right of pregnant women to iron – not one of the more popular causes out there but, hey, fight the power.

Can’t vouch for it personally, but apparently ironing your face is both relaxing and energising – don’t take Stock Images word for it, try it for yourself at home!

There is nothing worse than being accidentally trapped inside a clothes washer: the nauseating rolling motion, the sting of soap in the eyes and the perils of being tangled up with soiled underpants. On the plus side, the deep clean rotating action will leave you feeling fresh and sparkling clean.

Not sure what the holy glow is all about. Presumably, it’s telling me cleanliness is next to godliness. No wonder my apartment is so filthy.

The party stopped for this woman when the washing cycle did. We find Emo kids annoying as a rule – but we sympathise in this case. Hanging out the washing is depressing. I’m gonna take my balloon, the clothes pegs, and go listen to Radiohead.

On the AV side of things, here is a stock photo of a woman wearing what look like a pretty impressive pair of DJ-monitoring headphones. Full credit to her for that excellent choice. You may notice, however, she’s making a few fundamental errors. Can you spot them?

We don’t know what we did before this stock photo came along – all we know is that at last that blog about mannequins in the laundry can finally be written.

And ditto that article we always wanted to write about solving common geriatric domestic disputes …. such as whose turn it is to take the giant bunny rabbit out.

Lastly, we present for your viewing pleasure:

We have no idea what it represents but this evocative picture needs a loving home. If anyone can please send us a suggestion for a possible blog topic in its honour, we will be only to happy to type it up asap.