How coffee at home can solve a country’s welfare problem

July 20th, 2012

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In a bid to cut household costs, a New Zealand columnist has recently made the switch from cups at the coffee-shop to brewing at home. Charged by caffeine, he had an epiphany: coffee at home can solve his nation’s welfare problem.

In the hilariously satirical column Bill Ralston describes how and why his wife decided their very frequent trips to the coffee shop down the road must come to an end.

“Conscious of the need for austerity in these troubled times and of our domestic need for a zero budget in 2012, we combed our bank statements for suitable cuts in expenditure,” writes Ralston for the Listener.

“Expenses on the car, the dogs and the children were, for some odd reason, considered sacrosanct, as was the food bill. One large figure remained on the balance sheet: the coffee bill.”

After a long day of drinking tea the Ralston’s made for the nearest appliance store and brought home a ‘huge silver coffee machine’.

“After a few days of unfettered access to caffeine, I realised I had developed a severe habit. I couldn’t sleep of an evening, I was physically vibrating by noon and I had begun eyeing the coffee grounds, wondering if I could snort them or roll them in cigarette papers to short-circuit the process.”

By the time the Ralston’s were spending more on beans than they had at the coffee shop Bill had a moment of clarity: he had figured out how to solve one of his country’s ongoing issues.

“If we can solve our mini debt crisis through the innovative addition of a coffee machine to the household, so can New Zealand solve its somewhat larger debt problems.

“It’s all very well giving free contraceptives to beneficiaries to try to reduce the welfare burden, but let’s think bigger. How about a free coffee machine for every beneficiary’s home? They will be so wired and exhausted from lack of sleep they won’t even consider having sex.”

Having once had to sit on the washing machine to stop it from bouncing into oblivion, Keri is today delighted with the new (smoother running) technologies that make housework easier every day. A self-confessed lazy-bones, Keri seeks out quirky inventions that ease the human workload, such as the robotic vacuum cleaner (wow). And as soon as someone figures out a Jetsons-like self-cleaning house, she will happily lay her pen to rest and retire from appliance journalism. Until then, her pick is a fridge that will tell her smartphone when it's time to pick up more beer on the way home. Magic.

2 responses to “How coffee at home can solve a country’s welfare problem”

  1. EliseFe says:

    Great article!

  2. Very informative.

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