Top 10 things that ANNOY us about Office Kitchens!

March 28th, 2013

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The Office Kitchen is a place of anger and rivalry, of shifting territories and battle-lines drawn. Can you think of another space that inspires such antagonism, outrage and the violent use of passive-aggressive hand-written signage?

These problems apply to ALL office-spaces. They are not unique to mine or yours. However, brothers and sisters, I’m telling you: they need not be. Let us acknowledge the universal truth of how annoying office kitchens are so that, together, we can move forward with a spirit of change!

Therefore, Appliances Online presents ten INCREDIBLY ANNOYING things about Office Kitchens:

1.    The Borrowers. 

You know the story: you go to the fridge for a mid-arvo snack – to find your margarine (which you’ve clearly marked with YOUR name) has been besmirched by some unwanted knife. How can you tell? Well, ‘cos there are fresh grooves in it – and toast crumbs! Brilliant, so Anonymous has used your stuff and hasn’t even had the decency to hide the evidence. DOUCHE!

This minor pilfering is bad enough – but we’ve heard of entire MEALS going missing. Oh, so you thought I made that sandwich for your benefit? Yeah, be my guest. Help yourself. If you need anything to wash it down – like a splash of strychnine or hydrochloric acid – gimme a bell.


2.    The Commentators.

This is the dude (or dudette) who apparently finds it impossible not to comment on the food you’re preparing.

So, you’re making a salad in a dismal attempt to make up for that bottle of wine you chugged the night before? … well, the last thing you need is some burke sidling up to you and saying: “wow, you’re healthy!”

Thanks for the heads-up, douchebag. Now shutup, and – what’s more – take that entirely more delicious thing you are making OUT OF MY SIGHT.

3.    The Small-Talk. 

Monday: “How was your weekend?”. Days in between: “How are ya’ going?”. By Friday: “What are you doing on the weekend?”

Not only is this generally a bit dull, but – and this is really hard – it forces us to censor the dirtier parts of our private lives.

Let’s put a little more thought into this. Next time I go to the fridge to see if my food is still there, maybe I wanna engage in a little discussion about the philosophy of Cartesian dualism, 19th century French literature … or, I dunno, Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy. C’mon, let’s get creative peeps!

4.    Biscuit-assortment blues.

This is an issue that has dogged man since the dawn of time.

It’s that phenomenon where all the tastiest chocolate biscuits (specifically the Kingstons) get eaten from the Arnott’s Biscuit Assortment immediately (or sometime shortly after) once they’re cracked open. Leaving only the orangey ones that no-one likes.

Hey, we can’t blame our co-workers – those orange things are awful. But why are they there in the first place? For the love of God – WHY?!

5.   Douches who leave things in the sink for other people to clean up.

Cue those signs which usually read something like “Your mum doesn’t work here – clean up after yourself”. These compound the original offence by being annoying in and of themselves. Stick your plate in the dishwasher or clean your own plate, dude – if your mum did work here, she’d kick your ass for less.


6.     Toast(ing) etiquette.

We’ve already mentioned how annoying it is to find crumbs in your marge’. But what about other equally annoying toast-related crimes?

Like, people who leave crumbs everywhere. And people who put the toaster on then walk away from the toaster – expecting you to stand there patiently and wait for them to come back long after it’s popped. Funnily enough, dude, that toaster was actually designed for making bread into toast – not smacking you in the head.

7.    Fridge etiquette.

Man, where do we start? People who clog the fridges with cr*p they forget about meaning you’ve got to dig about for space in a fridge packed tighter than a pair of cycling-pants – and it’s twice as stinky.

Also, clean up your spills, for pete’s sake. Which is a word of advice we’d also apply to that other horrible office space – the Men’s Bathroom.

8.    People who stink out the kitchen (with their cooking).

You’re cooking up half-a-dozen eggs? Good for you, champ – but can you get your protein hit at home? And if you’re planning on burning cheese to ash can you stick the rangehood on?

9.    People who loiter.

You know the types – the kitchen is where they catch-up. But you’re blocking the fridge, you say. I don’t care, they reply, I need to talk to this other person about important office business. Can you at least keep it down then? you ask. No, they say, I need to spread rumours about that person’s marriage IN A REALLY LOUD VOICE!

10.    When stuff runs out.

Tea-bags. Handy-towels. Milk. It’s that feeling of mounting frustration … compounded by the fact whoever finished things off hasn’t told anyone about it. And now it’s up to you to do something about, man!

And yeah, nah, we couldn’t be bothered either.

Well, that’s our Top Ten Things That Annoy Us About Office Kitchens. If you have any that we haven’t mentioned – anything you feel simply must be included because they make you foam at the mouth with rage … clean yourself up and let us know!

Richie is a Sydney based writer with sophistication, flair and hair. Aside from blogging and writing for Appliances Online and Big Brown Box, he is also a new playwright who had his first play, ‘The Local’ performed last year at the Sydney Fringe Festival. He is also the wicketkeeper for the Gladstone Hotel Cricket Club and his favourite appliance is any 3D Blu-ray Home Theatre System that can be delivered to his house free-of-charge in the near future. He was the lead singer of Van Halen in 2002. Google+

4 responses to “Top 10 things that ANNOY us about Office Kitchens!”

  1. Ally :) says:

    This is the best article on office kitchens I have ever read. Although you forgot to mention people getting territorial over who used their special mug/bowl/plate and the mystery of the ever disappearing forks and spoons

  2. Andy says:

    The Black Flash is back! Yeah I have to agree about people getting possessive about coffee mugs Ally. People use mine all the time but I don’t care cause it only cost me 50c from Vinnies! Also there is a longstanding drama about not enough people contributing to the milk fund…you gotta love the amount of boring old people in the Federal Public Service.

  3. Matthew Gain says:

    I like the orange biscuits…

  4. Richie Black says:

    Hey Matthew, everyone else on the planet would like to send you their unwanted orange biscuits. Where can we send them to?

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